Bless Uncle Lightbulb

Apparently everyone with a terminal disease has my email address. At least this little scammer kept it short and sweet.

The Approach:

2011/5/7 Judith Alex <pvkhe.snv@dongthap.gov.vn

Dear,

Help me carry out my last wish. With your help, i want to donate to the needy, the poor and motherless baby's homes. I am very sick suffering from breast cancer. Reply if we can work together.

Regards

Judith

My Reply:

Dear Judith,

I feel very confident we can work together. I don't know how you found me, but this is simply the best thing to have happened in my life! I applaud your desire to help the needy, the poor and the motherless babies. I'd ask you to also keep an open mind and allow me to throw some ideas out there for your consideration before we commit to any particular charitable genre. There are hundreds of groups out there raising money and doing some wonderful work in those areas you mention, however I've long believed there are certain groups who need our help but never receive the attention necessary to generate public support. These groups are the disenfranchised segments of society with the smallest voice, yet the biggest needs. All I'm asking you to do is review the list below and should you agree with me that these people urgently need assistance, I'll immediately begin the paperwork to establish a non-profit in your name to tend to these poor souls.

1. Science Camp rejects - Who could possibly need our help more than those little Poindexters who feel the need to make the annual summer migration and join with their own kind only to find themselves outcast and alone in the one place they should have been accepted with open arms. I cry when I picture them making that walk of shame back to the bus, tears sliding down their face onto a black teeshirt that says mommy's perfect angel in binary with the tip of their light saber dragging in the dust behind them.

2. Canadians - I realize this is a really large group, but my god these people are mixed up. They speak English, they speak French, they put pictures of the British Royalty on their money, they refuse the accept that they would be better off if if we simply renamed them Northern Michigan and they spend half of their time driving over to the U.S. side to buy gas and play bingo.

3. My Uncle Lightbulb - Grandma didn't do him any favors by naming him lightbulb. It might have been okay if he was even a little bright, but we are talking about a guy here who wears his underwear on the outside of his pants because he thinks it makes him look like superman. I'll admit he does somewhat resemble George Reeves (the original superman actor) if you were to add about 125 lbs onto old George, but aside from the underwear on the outside, an old Cannon Mill's towel clothes-pinned around his neck for a cape and slicking his hair back with lots of Baxter's Hair Balm, he comes up far short of movie star or super hero material. I'm sure if we were to put a little money into an account for Uncle Lightbulb, he could afford his own place and move out of my spare room. I'm not asking for myself mind you; it's a blessing to have him here, pay for his food, drive him all over town (he's not allowed to drive anymore due to the incident at the Quicker Liquor Store drive up window), and of course I find myself defending him to friends, coworkers, my wife's family and the police on a recurring basis. But as I said... blessings. Lots and lots of blessings.

I've got some other ideas to discuss if you like these. Just write me back and lets get going here. I'm really excited about this and can hardly stop myself from giggling with joy over the prospect of us working together. Oh yeah, really sorry about your terminal illness.... it is terminal isn't it? I'd hate to start down this road only to have you make a miraculous recovery and ruin everything.

Kindest Regards,

Jimmy